Tuesday, August 4, 2009

'Park'ing the butts!

It has been almost a year since I wrote something that delved into humour. The last bit was a short-novel called 'Oops!' which is now materializing in the form of a book. This is a small piece roving into the most loved genre of writing i.e. humour, which is inspired from a real-life ordeal of a very close friend of mine.

People say that friends are those who can make you smile when you're sad and who can help you out when you're in trouble. But for Daksh, things were just the opposite. Perhaps, the things being totally opposite was what that made his life so interesting. Interesting, really? Well, we'll just see...

Friday night, 11'o clock. Chandigarh
"Guys, do you want to have some fun?" The sharp nasal voice broke the lull. A 200 pounds thick-skinned guy who looked more-or-less like a baby sumo proved to be its origin. His parents did not have a difficulty coining his name and gave him the most apt name - Sagar - which was good enough to describe his vastness.

"Fun! What kind of fun dude?" A petite man with face as round as a rugby-ball said with curiosity. His eyes twinkled.

"Shaan! Don't trust him. His ideas of fun are very weird. Don't you remember the last time we went to the cinema-hall? He emptied down his whole coke can on the adjacent seat before leaving." The gentleman in the white shirt said with concern. He was gentle - meek and gentle, to be precise. They called him Daksh(meaning expert). He really was an expert at getting nervous at nothing at all or doubting little-sumo's each and every idea of fun.

"Yeah, of course. Coke kissing the ass! It was really awesome, Sagar! I could laugh for hours just by remembering it." Shaan said with a mischievous smile making a begging-bowl on his face.

"See buddy! I've got fans." The sumo basked upon the glory of his destructively creative mind.

"Yeah sure, fans who would be hanged on the ceiling someday, that too for your mischief. Anyway, tell us your today's idea of fun." Daksh said trying to hide his visible curiosity behind the newly-formed wrinkles of his forehead.

"Not here! Come along to experience the fun." The baby-sumo smiled wickedly. He looked the cutest sumo ever.

"Where? What's the plan. At least, tell us something..." Shaan said with a little bit shaan.

"I've seen a park nearby today when I bunked the classes. Park - at night - doesn't it sound racy? Plus I've a surprise for you two that will be revealed when we get there. Daksh-y, you better stay at home...you know it will be dark and frightening. I don't want my friends to get a heart-attack before even getting married." Sagar carried on his slight-sarcasm.

11.30 pm. Just outside the park
"Dude, read this! You've seen the park already...didn't you read it?" Daksh pointed his pointed-fingers at the notice just outside the entry-gate of the park.

"What? Open only until 8 pm. Damn!" Shaan exclaimed.

"That's where the whole idea of fun lies. See, this park will be totally empty - devoid of people, light and the monotony of our hostels. And then I'll disclose the surprise." The sumo jumped in his prideful air.

"Screw you and your surprise. How will we get inside and what's the surety that there will not be any guards inside the park?"

"C'mon. What would a guard be doing inside a park? Guarding the trees or guarding the grass. I advised you to keep your ass off any adventure and you still are here...now you've no options other than following me. Now listen, we'll jump over the side-wall." Sagar took the lead.

"You go first." Daksh said consciously.

"I am not even sure whether you'll be able to cross it on your own!" Shaan hoaxed the Japanese-wrestling-master.

"Don't challenge me, you don't know. I have crossed higher walls than these." The Epitome of Roundness proclaimed. His round feet could not grasp the architecture of the wall.

"Should we help?" Daksh asked, this time with concern.

"Of course not." The two sets of hands at first prepared themselves upon hearing the first two words that struck the eardrums but the last word botched up all their preparedness.

Another try to make his cylindrical feet climb the summit produced a bizarre screech in the relatively silent surroundings. A Faux Pas.

"What was that? Did you hear that noise?" Shaan was curious.

"Dude, it's me! Don't laugh...please..." The duo looked up. Sagar's pant tore down at the perfect-most position, as if somebody had sliced it up with a knife along the butt-line. Despite the darkness, the big-sized bright white underwear peeping out of the pant made itself quite radiant around the wall. It seemed as if an overfed God was sitting on the wall with a 'misplaced' halo.

"Ok buddy, we won't laugh." Daksh said with a mischievous smile hidden.

"Ready one, two, three - go..." Shaan began the countdown - the countdown to...

"Hahahahahhahahahahaha......" The sound buzzed the surroundings for over a minute.

"I'll see you both. Just wait and watch." The God flushed his anger.

"Yeah, we are watching. But the sight is horrendous! Hahaha..." Daksh, for the first time, showed his adroitness in pulling someone's leg. And this time, that someone seemed none other than the God himself.

"Dude, you know what, you're shining!" Shaan put the toppings on the ongoing hoaxing.

The temporary God realised that until his halo is hidden, the bhaktas won't be relinquished. He took off his full-shirt and wrapped around the origin-of-the-halo thereby restricting the door to his Godliness.

He jumped down the other side and the other two followed without trying out any halo-genesis experiments.

11.45 pm, Inside the park
"What the fuck!" Daksh exclaimed. A slight precipitation suddenly appeared on his wrinkled forehead.

It had been just a few seconds since the trio landed their feet as well as butts in the unmanned territory, when something unexpected sprouted for them. In the moonlit darkness, Daksh noticed something strange.

"What's this? Didn't they get a better place to display this warning?" Shaan was puzzled.

"What's it guys?" The baby elephant said after finishing the inspection of the so-called racy place. The round eyes rounded around the warning which said 'Trespassers will be prosecuted'.

"Bloody dumbass! They're so dumb that they placed it inside the park. Had it been outside, at least my pant would have been spared." Sagar blurted out with disgust. Shaan chuckled and looked for Daksh to reciprocate but his eyes could not find him.

"Where is Daxy?" Shaan said and the four eyes hastened around the dark surroundings. There was no radiant halo present to illuminate it. The marathon of those eye-balls reached their finishing point simultaneously when they stared at the wall from where they jumped in. Someone was on top of it - someone who seemed to be an expert at wall-climbing - expert, he was.

"What happened to you? Where are you going Daxy?" Shaan shrieked.

"What? Do you guys still want to rove around the park? Didn't you read that warning? If yes, then I am sorry, I won't accompany you. I know you'll fall into trouble and make me a part of it."

"Hey man, you've already trespassed the boundary. You're no less a criminal than us. And even if you leave and we both fall into troubles, you will be the one who we'll revert to. There is no option left other than ... oops!" Sagar's long preaching encountered an abrupt full stop. The expert wall-climber fell off the wall. The duo rushed to him, being completely perplexed.

"Are you okay?" Sagar asked Daksh with concern.

"Sssshhh! There was a night-guard rambling along the corner of the road. Don't shout! By the way, my back hurts...awww...mummy!" Even his whisper sounded frightened.

The Laurel-Hardy pair gave the momentary back-broken body of Mr. Expert rest on their shoulders. They carried him along searching for a place to park their butts in that moonlit park.

"By the way, you could have jumped instead of falling." The high pitched nasal voice again exhibited its cacophony breaking the silence of the lulled park.

"Will you please whisper?" Daksh shouted as loud as he could in whisper.

"You can't stay-free if you whisper!" Shaan employed his imagination to fabricate a pun out of the delicate situation.

"Hahaha..." Sagar laughed quite freely, but this time in whisper. It even brought a slight curve which was just short of a smile in Mr. Expert's worrywart face.

"You didn't answer my question? Why did you fall down? Don't tell me that you got frightened seeing that night-guard."

"No dude, I was going to jump when suddenly some kind of reptile crossed my feet and gave me this backbreaking fall. Eh, it hurts!" Daksh looked embarrassed.

"Don't worry! We won't laugh." Sagar said.

"Ready, one-two-three go!" Shaan practiced his newly learnt numbers.

"Hahahaha ... this guy got frightened of a reptile ... hahaha ..." Sagar left no stones unturned to ridicule the Man-who-had-a-downfall. Shaan also didn't lag behind, he exercised his divine knowledge that laughter is the best medicine in a unique way by laughing in grunts.

"Aww...eeks!" Sagar's demonic laughter encountered a sudden speed-breaker. He started jumping on the way.

"Something crossed over my legs." Sagar exclaimed in horror. The two of them laughed their heads off.

"A reptile? Hahaha ... this guy got frightened of a reptile ... hahaha" Shaan broke his grunt-practice and burst into a wild laughter. Now they were well off the periphery and therefore could easily afford to stay free from whisper.

"It was not a reptile, rather a rubber band. I dropped a rubber band out of my pocket just to break his spell of ridicule. Hahaha...this guy got frightened of a rubber-band!" Daksh borrowed the newly invented style of mockery.

After walking with a living luggage on shouders, Sagar's fat eyes found a fat-bench - fat enough to let six fluffy-bundle-of-flesh take the most comforting-rest of their lifetime.

12.00 am - The Surprise
"Huff...finally this was the fun that we had been promised. A broken back, a boring park and wait a minute...what was the surprise that you were talking about?"

"Well, the surprise ... hmmm ... you remember it? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the surprise you've all been waiting for is none other than your very own Megha! Does it bring a tickle?"

"Oh gosh! Megha! How did you manage her..." The two pair of eyes looked dazzled with glimmer and ecstasy despite the darkness. Their curiosity was thousand-folded and their tongues were a centimeter short of coming out of their respective kennels.

"Where is she? Where...exactly?" Shaan said, his eyes piercing the darkness around.

"Here!" Sagar said and moved his hand generating complex spirals, the tip of the spiral being illuminated by his bright mobile-screen light. The sight was funny, as if an ultra-plump Hippo was playing with a digital-phuljhadi in the gloomy surroundings.

"Sexyyyyyyyyy! You got her number...man you're just awesome. How did you manage it?" Shaan exclaimed.

"I just managed. I don't like to disclose my secrets." Sagar said with his heavy eyelid falling under gravity over one eye, in short fabricating a wink.

"Really? Man, this is the best thing you've ever done!" Daksh forgot about his broken back amidst this breaking news.

Megha. A ravishing beauty - the one and only girl in the Mechanical Engineering Department. Each and every guy of the fachcha-crowd was infatuated with just one name - Megha, our trio being no exception. Yes, they were the first yearites. They had experienced just one month since they transported their asses from their school-benches to the college-sleeping-berths.

Even in the hot summer with no rain, gori-Megha kept on disturbing them at night and sometimes, even during the day. Thankfully to her, the Mechanical Engg. Dept. of SUSCET, Chandigarh encountered 100% attendance in the first one month of the classes. Her number was the dream of every 'single' guy of the college and it caused some dilemma in even the already committed few.

"That's not all buddies! There is another surprise. See the time. It is 12 am. It means 9th August. It means it's her birthday. But, I've no balance left in my phone. You'll have to lend me yours."

"Woah! Man you rock! You found the perfect reason ... now keep off guys! I'm going to call her first... Sagar, give me her number...Megha, prepare to get impressed with your ideal match..." Shaan motivated himself and snatched the phone from Sagar.

"Dude! Give me your phone! I am going to call her first. She even talked to me during classes on two occasions...she would recognise me even..." Daksh asked Shaan.

"Why are you asking for my phone then? If you're so desperate to call, then do it with your own cell. You're never short of balance as far as I know." Shaan rebuked.

"Dude, you don't understand. My mother keeps a track of me. She is so very suspicious about me that she gives me a ring or two at anytime in the night just to check whether my cellphone is busy or not. She fears that I would fall for some Punjabi girl and let her down in my Brahmin society. Her night-duty starts as soon as the clock strikes 11. She had given two check-calls with just one ring since the last one hour." Daksh said being completely annoyed.

"Now I see why worry is in your genes. Hahaha...Biharis are so funny yaar." Sagar ridiculed Daksh while Shaan was preoccupied making sure that he typed Megha's number in his cellphone perfectly.

"See. It's already 12.05 am. We should call her soon to make our image good in her eyes. Daksh, since you already had talked to her, you call her. But make sure you tell her that it is my number, and hand over the phone to me as soon as possible." Shaan directed Daksh.

"Will it sound okay to straightaway call a girl, that too at midnight?" Daksh switched on his worry-factory.

"Come on! It's her birthday... no one gets psyched on one's birthday. You better switch the speaker on and Shaan, don't forget to introduce me to her at last. After all, they say save the best for the last." Sagar said with drops of mischief falling down from each and every corner of his face.

12.08 am. The Awaited Call
The three faces rounded around Shaan's cell-phone with eyes in expectation and heart in desire to hear their hearthrob's sensuous voice. Daksh cleared his throat and was ready to let loose his masculine voice.

Shaan pressed the call button. At first, they could hear their own heartbeats amplified in expectations but soon, Sagar's internal-bass-woofer-system numbed the sound of the duo's heartbeats.

"Tring-tring...tring-tring...tring-tring...tring-tring..." The silly-and-cliched phone-ring's tone digged their ears.

"Isn't it strange that her phone is not busy on her birthday? She might be an early-sleeper. Eeks...I am disconnecting the call!" Daksh said and moved his hands towards the red-button while the irksome tring-tring continued, just then...

"Hell..lo!" A sleepy-and-irritated voice gifted the hell to the trio.

"Hello, is it Megha?" Daksh managed to speak up.

"Yes it is. But who is it?" She grew more irritated at discovering some stranger disturbing her late at night.

"Hi, I am ... am... one of your collegemates. I just called you to wish you Happy Birthday!" Her cruel melody made Daksh forget his own name. His feet started trembling.

"Birthday! What kind of joke is it? I've seen idlers like you! This is a very old method to start a talk with a girl but let me tell whosoever you are that I am not one of those nymphomaniacs. I am going to complain to police if I receive another call!" Megha thundered.

His heartbeat beat Sagar's woofer-system and Shaan too was a bit shocked. Suddenly,

"Kabhi kabhi aditi
zindagi mein koi to
apna lagta hai!"

buzzed the surroundings.

"What was that?" Three voices simultaneously creaked, of which one had its origin in the throat of the gorgeous. Daksh was unperturbed but at the same time disgusted.

"Dude, it's my Mom. This is her yet another check. And madam, you kindly listen. Keep this phone call to be your birthday wish for the rest of your lifetime. I am not going to bother you ever. I've better things to do than calling a wicked butthead like you at midnight." He yelled his disgust out at the beauty and disconnected the phone. Sagar was laughing wildly and even Shaan chose to be in the side of the mockery-maker.

"Damn you Hippo! I'll kill you ... there is a limit to everything and you've crossed it today! I am safe that I forgot my name while talking otherwise what impression would she have about me? Plus, my Mom's check. Damn, life is so dramatic for me! By the way, I am going to kick your ass - you bloody pig!" Daksh said with his wrinkled forehead seeking revenge.

Daksh raced towards Sagar and punched his flossy-belly which looked much more like a boxing-pad and kicked his already-kicked ass. The kick did its job and the halo lighted the place around yet again and Sagar embarrassingly tried to bolt its door.

"Chill man! It was just a little game." Sagar tried to explain, but his try remained a try. Meanwhile, Shaan face imported some of the worrying-properties from Daksh's.

"Yaar, what if she lodges a complain to the police, after all, it was my number."

"I don't think she would do it right away. And we're not going to call her ever again, so I don't think there is much worry." Daksh gained back his composure. His expert logic transported Shaan back from the alienated-world-of-worry.

12.20 am. The Encounter
The duo heaved a sigh of relief while the baby-sumo was busy finding a fixture for his mass-ass, when suddenly his chubby eyes noticed four feet tramping towards them from the far darkness.

His heavy feet suddenly found an engine to accelerate - accelerate in the opposite direction.

"Run, someone's coming!" Sagar shouted to the duo and rushed towards the famous-wall-of-the-misplaced-halo. The duo followed, but could not outrace the big-foot-big-bottomed runner.

The bulky-athlete reached the wall and tried to push his mighty-body up, but could not succeed. His fellow-athletes reached the place soon and he pleaded to them, "Please help me climb up or I'll quit!"

The tiddly duo tried their best to let the Master-of-Calories climb up. Sagar's right leg was just one inch short of reaching the top of the wall when suddenly a loud-screech seethed the surroundings. This time his half-torn pant was promoted to be called a fully-torn pant and the halo emerged making a bright ring in between his body.

In a reflex, he moved his hands off the wall and tried to catch hold of his shredded pant. He managed to remove his pants off their original place but mismanaged everything else. As expected, the God fell down on two of his bhaktas, blessing their cheeks with his divine aura and his misplaced halo gifting them displaced jaws. Now with just his brand-new-big-sized-white-underwear adorning his lower body, he totally resembled a baby-sumo on top of two meek-and-gentle road-rolled souls.

The trio lay down in broken condition in front of the warning-board which seemed like laughing at them and saying that - 'Trespassers will be prosecuted.'

The sound of the footsteps rustling through the grasses grew louder and louder as time passed. The trio had no energy nor any chance left to escape the encoming surprise. Sagar displaced his 'misplaced' halo off the duo's face and that brought enough respite to them to face any encoming trouble.

The six eyes steered through the darkness along the ground and what they saw made their pants plus God's underwear wet in fear. There were four feet standing upright just a meter away from them and were ready to play the tough game with the fun-seeking-triad.

"I told ... ah ... that Megha would lodge a complain! See, they are already here..." Shaan shrieked twisting his displaced jaws upon seeing those two men in Khaki - one giraffe-like well-built soul and the other being more or less a lilliputian - rendering a perfect combination of Bade Miyan - Chote Miyan.

"How could it happen? This is just impossible! Police can't act so swiftly." Daksh was again back in his whisper-mode, while Sagar's heavy eyeballs were stuck at the four feet which were a meter apart.

"The race is over gentlemen! Hands up. I said hands up!" The Chote Miyan thundered in his grave baritone. The trio stood up despite their broken neck, jolted back and shaken jaws and finally managed to stand on their legs with just four hands up.

"Don't you listen rascal - hands up?" A feminine voice bombed their eardrums. The three musketeers were startled by the two musketeers and began looking for its origin.

"I told you it was Megha!" Shaan shrieked in fear.

"What are you staring at? I am talking to you. Hands up! And who is this Megha?"

THE REAL FUN IS JUST GOING TO ARRIVE...TO BE CONTINUED IN A DAY or TWO(will be updated around 9th morning)...


keshav said...

bhai thoda chhota likha kar.....

aman said...

it was fun reading it... mazza aaya but where is its ending?? 2-3 instances pe kafi hasi aayi !!!

Buzz said...

It is a long piece, and as you can see, I didn't get enough fuel to ignite my spirit to keep writing it, therefore I gave it a break.

Now, I will complete it soon.